SWIFTBOAT ADS ON BOOMER ALLEY
By Marc Sotkin
The other day I saw on the news that Political Action Committees, PACs (these are like the swift boat people only from both the right and the left) will spend about $500 million on advertising during the upcoming presidential campaign. A half a billion dollars not to further the political debate. Ads designed to make one candidate or the other look bad.
We at Boomer Alley are appalled. Not by the fact that each side is going to tell bald-faced lies about candidates they don’t want elected. We are appalled by the fact that Boomer Alley isn’t going to get any of those advertising dollars. None.
So this week, I’d like to reach out to the PACs and convince them that Boomer Alley is the perfect place to sully someone’s reputation. Truth in advertising? Not an issue here.
Let me show you the kind of lies we’re willing to spread. Let’s pretend that I’m a presidential candidate – it could happen if the voters were willing to overlook the drugs, the sex, the restraining orders, and the fact that I belong to a religious cult that believes this guy from Wisconsin named Ernie is the true Son of God.
Now let’s say a couple of PACs, just to be safe, decide that they better spread some lies about me to scare off the voters. Remember, Political Action Committees, I’m not really running… mostly because of the Ernie thing.
The following commercial script is a simulation of what we at Boomer Alley can do for any candidate.
[Fade in to script on screen stating: Sotkin for President]
Announcer : Marc Sotkin says he’s tough on communism. But does this look tough to you?
[Show pic of me, Marc, and Stalin playing tennis.]
Announcer: Sotkin, a tennis playing commie who’s wrong for America. Paid for by citizens who love babies and all things good.
Don’t forget, we can slip whatever candidate you want into these ads. And don’t let the fact that Stalin has been dead for more than 50 years throw you. Remember there are still people who believe that Saddam Hussein had something to do with 9/11. Truth has nothing to do with this. Right wing, left wing, we’ll destroy the reputation of whatever candidate you want. And you can choose among the following script ideas: your candidate horseback riding with ex-madam Heidi Fleiss, or playing wheelchair basketball with Penthouse publisher Larry Flint, or enjoying a game of Chutes and Ladders with Adlolf Hitler.
Just pick a candidate you hate and a reviled figure from history, and we’ll make them best buds. And just like the mainstream media, Boomer Alley will say that we don’t want to take your dirty money, but our hands are tied by your first amendment rights.
So come on PACs, it’s not too early to start airing smear campaigns on Boomer Alley. That’s what I think. Let me know what you think. I’m email@example.com.